Daily news… THAT ISN’T NEWS! (a little levity for all you hardworking Freetraders)

Spade Tourism

“We’re clearly in the golden age of space tourism” said nobody, upon hearing the news that three multibillionaires have entered a new-age space race to make space tourism a reality.

Although these near-to-space travellers have been lauded by some, self-made billionaire Beff Jezos seems to think down, has more of a future than up. “Look how much money they’ve wasted going upward! I ordered this spade online, and spent this afternoon digging and I’m already 50 meters down, exploring this new world and all of its financial opportunity… Think spade, not space!”.

Non-expert verification determined that Beff had managed to dig 0.75 meters and had ruined some lawn.

When asked about the potential benefit to humanity associated with his speculation, Beff responded with “This would go a lot faster if you could grab that spare shovel over there and help me dig… instead of all that yapping…”

Beff’s enthusiasm was not shared by his employees, one of whom was reported as saying “Is that what he’s been doing… that’s not what ‘work-from-home’ means, right?”

Experts were contacted to comment on the prospect of a spade-race but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

Survey results on investment strategies

Survey results have exposed an interesting array of strategies employed by investors on what stocks to pick. The most popular strategies have been revealed to be; eating M&Ms for breakfast, checking the weather app and having a staring match with goldfish.

When asked why M&M’s were their breakfast of choice, an anonymous investor confirmed that “M&M’s are clearly nutritionally balanced to give me one big burst of energy that I need to browse social media and dubious ‘news’ sites to research which stocks I pick to buy or sell. I know that all those ‘experts’ out there… and my GP, will tell me that M&M’s lack the dietary fibre I need to keep my bowel healthy, but that’s why I wash down the M&M’s with 4 espressos… WHICH SEEM TO BE KICKING IN NOW…!”

Experts were contacted to comment on these findings but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

Fashion company earnings call

During a recent earnings call, the Creative Director of recently IPO’d FASHUN IDEAS Limited gave listeners an idea of what future fashion trends their company will be shaping.

“OH MY GOD…. I DON’T KNOW… I JUST DON’T KNOW…!!!” were the words that were thought to have been heard from Arnard Bernault, in between the prolonged wails and sobs.

Despite the desperate crying which seemed to take up most of the call, investors were still buoyed by the passion on display. One listener later commented “Well, yeah… with fashion you just don’t know… Look, I’m wearing green pyjamas today… and its nearly 4:30pm and nobody knows! I’ve had my camera off for all my Zoom calls! Green… not blue… GREEN… well kinda teal…?”

Being the only son of parents who were founders of a nudist colony, Bernault’s obsession with fashion… or clothing in general, started at a young age. However, his ascent into the world of high fashion has not been without controversy. Critics and fans are still divided over his most recognised creation; the ultra-tighty-whitey.

Experts were contacted to comment on this earnings call but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

Banking vs. Mattresses

The World Mattress Forum has today condemned world banking leaders due to what they believe has been a long standing snub against the use of mattresses as money saving instruments.

After releasing a public statement, Head of the World Mattress Forum held a press conference in which they made the following remarks “Stuffing your money either in your mattresses or under your mattresses used to be a great way to keep it safe. Now you’ve got all these banks… and apps… investment apps and all these other options. All of which are being used by those millennialszzz….zzz…zzz…zzzzzz…”

Although no further clarification was made on which investment app was being referred to, it’s obvious to this reporter what we are talking about.

Experts were contacted to comment on the prospect of banking leaders advocating mattresses as saving instruments but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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If you like these “news” stories - I’ll post more regularly!

What did I just read? 10 out of 10 for effort :+1: My head now hurts and feels like I am feeling the affects of an acid tab. :joy: I’d hedge a bet you couldn’t keep that up daily :stuck_out_tongue:

Edit - Oh, and welcome to the forum!!

1 Like

I like it. We want more!

Haha! You’re right, 4 a day might be a tall order!

Here are today’s updates:

Influencer investments

Legendary investor Tarren Buffew has today outlined his strategy for the future, at the Annual General Meeting of his holding company.

The charismatic octogenarian opened his keynote speech with an affable “Knock, knock…”, which was responded to with a collective “Who’s there?” by members of his audience. After an unnecessarily overly dramatic pause, Buffew followed with “I’m gonna buy all those social media influencers!”

This news comes as little surprise to his employees and many in the investing community, who have noticed Buffew’s increasing presence on many social media platforms, particularly liking content posted by a select number of influencers.

What hasn’t been confirmed is whether Buffew himself has attempted to become an influencer, although there were credible rumours that he has spent an increasing amount of time taking photos of himself in his underwear.

When asked about further details behind the strategy and if it is even possible to buy a human, let alone a social media influencer, Buffew’s responded by saying “Likes!”.

Experts were contacted to comment on this new investment strategy but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

Supermarket safety

The UK’s second largest grocery retailer, Tescbury’s, has today condemned road safety campaigners for what they have described “unnecessarily prioritising the safety and lives of people, over profits, ease and convenience”.

This comes as the safety campaigners were invited to feedback on a new Tescbury’s concept store, where the retailer tested the idea of a ‘Drive-in Tescbury’.

We spoke exclusively to the Tescbury GM, who had the following to say, “Imagine, instead of leaving your car in the carpark… you could drive it around the supermarket… and just scoop up the items you want whilst hanging out of your car window! Yes, there’ll be normal shoppers there too… but it’ll be faster to drive up and down aisles, than to walk”.

Tescbury’s GM revealed that the project had so far cost them “£20 billion, maybe 30… I don’t know… what did we tell the tax man?”.

When asked if these funds could have been better spent bolstering home deliveries and click-and-collect services, in-line with trends noticed during the COVID pandemic, Tescbury’s GM deferred to the CFO, who was then seen running away after, realising the criminality of a multibillion pound lie to the HMRC.

Experts were contacted to comment on how drive-in supermarkets may influence consumer behaviour but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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Likes (and contributions!) always welcome!

Cure for Chocolate Deficiency Syndrome

Researchers at Prizerf, have today welcomed news that their phase 3 trial in for the treatment for Chocolate Deficiency Syndrome (CDS) has been successful.

“This will be great news for the 38% of people in the world who suffer from this disease. However, we know that this can increase to 100% in a given specific location or even time… I mean anyone who can’t say no to a chocolate bar as they sit down for dinner is clearly a suffer of this disease” were the comments from Prizerf’s R&D head.

Prizerf’s experimental treatment is an oral, CH-0C agonist, that causes the upregulation of the AH-Y3AH enzymes, which in turn, increases the degradation of the D13T-ING family of proteins, which are known to cause the avoidance of chocolate. This mechanism is a first-in-class and unique mode of action in the treatment of CDS.

“We hope to present our data the at the Combined Healthcare of Cravings Society (CHOC) annual meeting and then seek regulatory approval.” We were later told by Prizerf’s MD… with his mouthful.

Experts were contacted to comment on how what this treatment option for chocolate deficiency syndrome means for patients but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

Sample Technology

Sample, the world’s biggest smart phone manufacturer, is gearing up for the worldwide launch of what they have described as “the GREATEST, world CHANGING, world BEATING, world SHIFTING technology… in the world…EVER”.

Avid fans of Sample tech are staunch in their belief that this hyperbole is warranted. We spoke to Jeve Stobs, a Sample enthusiast, who has been queuing up outside the flagship Sample store in London in anticipation of the launch, since they purchased their last Sample product on the first day of it’s release last year. “…Yes, I go over there, in that bin, in front of that burger place… But yeah… I NEED this technology TODAY. Anything else is just TOTAL failure… now excuse me, I need the bin.”

Cim Took, CTO at Sample, shared the following, during our exclusively granted one-on-one time, “We anticipate that this technology will reshape how technology technologises. What we have recognised are all the problems that all technology users are facing today. With our new technology and technologisms we have successfully technologied all of these problems.”

When asked about specific performance, storage, size, weight, environment impact, colours, accessories and what this technology actually is, we were exclusively told, “… Yes.”

Other details shared with us are that this will be “at a price-point broadly here and there…” and “…You’re welcome.”.

Experts were contacted to comment on Sample technologies but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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House building

Fears are increasing amongst house builders that they will not be able to reach targets set for the completion of new homes in 2021. This comes despite as the construction industry not being impacted by lockdowns, and a very buoyant housing market due, in part, to the stamp duty holiday.

When we asked the head of the House Builder’s Association for a comment, we were told the following, “Well… Milk and one sugar, please… it’s your 2-by-4… look there’s shortages… I mean your 4-by-6 is ok, but needs replacing soon… you’re gonna need someone to come in and look at that soon”.

These claims were checked by the representative of the Association of House Builders, who said, “Tea, no sugar, if one’s going, please. No…! Your 2 by 4 is fine… now that 8 by 10 is looking shaky… I’ve been asked if you can use 2 4-by-5s, which I wouldn’t recommend, unless you wanna waste your money… but at the end of the day… it’s your money”

We’re still awaiting written quotations and have asked when the work can be started.

Experts were contacted to comment on the need to replace that 4-by-6 but had much better things to do than to respond.

Accountant Smith (Caution: Spoilers for films nearly 20 years old!)

Senior management at one of the big 4 accounting firms, GKPM, have today announced plans to explore the theory that we might be living in a virtual reality machine world.

This comes as GKPM GM’s recently re-watched the Matrix trilogy in anticipation of the worldwide release of Matrix 4.

During an exclusive interview, we were told “it’s all code… those numbers… symbols… I mean that’s what scrolling through most spreadsheets look like to me… maybe it’s the same thing”.

When we asked more about how financial audit data in an Excel spreadsheet could be the same thing as a code written by machines, hacked into by a group of freedom fighters, which translates into a virtual reality world used to disguise the fact that humans are now batteries, we were simply told “You cannot see beyond the choices you cannot understand…” at which point we were rapidly ushered out of the room by security.

Upon exiting the building, security confirmed that “yeah… he probably got his shades on and jumping around the room doing his “kung fu”… we’ll go in and check on him in a few minutes, when he realises there IS a spoon… let’s hope he hasn’t stuck it…”

Experts were contacted to comment on spreadsheets potentially coding for an alternative virtual reality but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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Lockdown-Experience Dining

Le Restaurant Group, the UK’s biggest conglomerate of chain restaurants has today announced plans to allow diners to have a lockdown experience whilst dining in their restaurants. This comes as many diners who have visited their restaurants have acted in bewilderment at the sights, sounds and sensations of being out of their homes and in an actual restaurant.

Dining Experience Director at Le Restaurant Group said the following, “The restaurant dining experience has become unfamiliar… alien… mythical… for most people now… We have realised that people need to be eased back into reality. In all our restaurants, we are installing laptops or tablets on each table, so that each diner can Zoom call who ever they have brought with them to our restaurant, to share a semi-virtual dinner”

This all seemed like a great idea to this reporter, who took his partner to a restaurant that evening to share a romantic meal… unfortunately, due to WiFi issues, we couldn’t both connect to the call, and therefore had to sit in silence eating our meals… at the same table. I’m still unaware if she made it home ok as she hasn’t text me since.

Experts were contacted to comment on the benefits of lockdown experiences for a non-locked down population but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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Energy conundrum

The supply and distribution of energy may be overhauled for a majority of residences in the UK, as the UK’s biggest energy company F.On have set in motion a new roadmap.

“We’re definitely missing something here… If energy production is getting more expensive, but energy drinks are getting cheaper… How does that even work? I mean I got this multipack on offer from the supermarket for a bargain! I only had 3 of them for breakfast. And the types and flavours of energy drinks out there… I mean…?” Came the baffled yet twitchy explanation from the F.On GM.

Energy companies have been under increased pressure to keep energy costs low and reduce carbon emissions. The obvious solution would be fund and implement a renewable energy infrastructure, however when this was put to the the F.On GM, we were told “But… energy drinks, right?”

Experts were contacted to comment on… energy drinks… but had much better things to do than to respond.

The markets did not react to this news.

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Nothing new here. The government and house builders have failed to meet targets on housing for decades